Monday, September 15, 2014

I'LL BARE IT ALL TO FIND IT ALL

ANGEL OLSEN | Unfucktheworld


When I was in fifth grade I took a nap on our living room couch and woke up in the dark, hours later in a panic; my emotions completely out of my control. I cried and shouted like I never had before, like I never knew I was capable of.  My clothes were drowning in my boiling sweat and my skin radiating with heat. I felt as if someone had just been holding me by the neck, dangling me high above the heat of the sun. And before I had woken up, I saw from above myself lying on the surface below. I ran around the house as my siblings watched, wide eyed and stunned as I went absolutely mad. 

I had no idea who I was. I had no sense of time and no sense of where I was. I had no control. I felt separated from myself. Words spilled out of my mouth as I tried to explain to my brother and my sister what was happening to me. I said such crazy things! I said that I was trapped in my mothers body. I said that I was trapped in my grandmothers body. I said I had switched from my body and into theirs. None of it made sense and I knew that at the time. But I knew I felt detached from my body. So I repeated the words, as if they'd help me gain some type of clarity. As if maybe if I spoke of my living mother I'd find some type of connecting. As if maybe if I spoke of my dead grandmother I'd find my way back to myself. But nothing. I felt absolutely disconnected from everything. I felt lost.

I was eventually able to calm down. My mom was working a late shift that night and she came home early to attend to me. My siblings sat by my side, encouraging me to pray, as we always did in times of distress. And it calmed me. I remembered and spoke the arabic words we grew up on and I felt more like myself. Though, I fell silent the rest of the evening. I was ready to abandon the memory of what I had just experienced. 

But the fact is I've never been able to.  I will never be able to shake the feeling I had felt that night. And for the past 10 years I've had to push through the memory of having felt those feelings. Through high school when the teacher would ask us to write our names on everything, I always fell a step behind my classmates; taking my time, making sure I got that answer right. Though I didn't always; once in accounting forgetting completely what name I was meant to write down. I'll never trust the words that come out of my mouth whenever I'm asked to describe how I feel.  For they've failed me when I once needed them most. I can take burning hot showers in the middle of july with no discomfort, for nothing will be warmer then the heat I felt that night. My hands, they always trip me out because sometimes i feel disconnected from them when I lay them flat on my desk right in front of me. And heights. I'll always fear heights. Not because I fear the sensation of falling but because I fear I might not be able to identify the person below if I do.                 

I've never really cared so much for an explanation or I never though it was important. A bad dream? Could have been just that. Out of body experience? Maybe. I just knew I couldn't live everyday looking for an answer of what or why I experienced what i did. Because that's not what I'm most terrified of. I fear of having not been able to explain to myself who I was. And thats an answers no one can give to me but myself.  Thats an answer I'll search everyday for.   


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

#FF007F


PERFUME GENIUS | Grid

I've been a fan of Perfume Genius ever since my first listen of 'Learning'. Which came out during my sophmore year in high school. Which was the year my parents bought me my first laptop and was the peak of my 'discovering & downloading obscure music from all depths of the internet' phase.  Mike Hadreas' album was the album that kind of changed everything for me. It was dark and gentle and disturbed yet powerful and moving in all its fragility and portraits of emotional instability.  I think at the time I was looking for music that was just honest and real and 'Learning' was exactly that. I am now patiently waiting for his third album. Which, from the sound and looks of it, is gonna be pretty damn good. 

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

FEELING FEELINGS | The Art of the Film Score

I didn't quite realize until just recently but 50% of the music I listen to are made up of film scores. I kind of just hoard them in a huge playlist appropriately titled 'FILMS' on my spotify account. The first movie that really got me into film scores was 'A Single Man'. Apart from Tom Ford's film being absolutely flawless in every way, there was a point about half way through that movie where I felt like closing my eyes and just listening. Abel Korzeniowski's score said all it needed to say to tell the entire story. It had all the sadness, all the anxiety, and intensity and pain. It had it all and made you feel it all. And I think because of this reason films scores have become something I kind of indulge in. They're not always extremely pleasant to listen to. In fact most of the time they're totally overwhelming and sometimes.... I dunno kinda emo. But I love it! I indulge in that overwhelming feeling of being taken over by pure emotion; whether it be sadness or joy or fear. The feeling of feeling feelings. As overwhelming as it may be, it clears my head with understanding.

Also one of my favorite parts about listening to film scores is that they're made to be matched up with images. But when you take those compositions and listen to them on their own it becomes an entirely different experience. All of a sudden there's room for your own imagination. There's room for your mind to wander a little and create images and stories of its own.


So here are a few of my favorites. They're not all totally emo....although most of them are.


Abel Korzeniowski | A Single Man (2009) - Drowning


Abel Korzeniowski | A Single Man (2009) - Daydreams

Shigeru Umebayashi | In the Mood for Love (2009)- Yumeji's Theme

Michael Giacchino | Up (2009) - Married Life

Alexandre Desplat | Fantastic Mr. Fox (2009)- Mr. Fox in The Fields

Alexandre Desplat | The Grand Budapest (2014)- Moonshine

Abel Korzeniowski | Opening Theme for Penny Dreadful (2014)

Abel Korzeniowski | Song for the Little Sparrow


Abel Korzeniowski | W.E. (2011)- Charms

Friday, June 20, 2014

TEENAGE FANGIRL ZINE | Burgerama III

Back in March i flew home to Orange County, California for a couple weeks to spend time with family and to go to Burgerama. It was definitely a weekend I'll never forget. Here is a zine of what i documented that weekend. I blew through 8 rolls of film in two days. 

















Sunday, May 25, 2014

SHADES OF COOL


THINGS I'VE BEEN REALLY INTO LATELY:

1. This 60s shirt/light jacket thing is my new favorite article of clothing in my closet. I scored it for $5 in Brooklyn a couple weekends back. Though I'm still trying to figure out how to wear it. 

2. Experiencing a real Spring season. This will be my first spring/summer in New York City. And its been really nice out lately. I'm proud to say that I managed to survive Winter 2014 on the east coast and am now celebrating in jeans, a tshirt and a nice lightweight jacket. Someone mentioned on the train how excited they were it was 'light jacket' season. Was not aware that was a thing because I'm from California and its summer year round there, but I'm into it. 

3. Questloves 'How Hip-Hop Failed Black America'. I'm not very knowledgeable when it comes to music history but lately I've really been making the effort to watch as many music documentaries and films as I can. I've also really enjoyed following Questloves essays about Hip Hop and the music industry. Each essay is like a history lesson and regardless of whether or not you agree with Mr. Loves perspective of music today there is still so much you can learn from them. Though my favorite thing about the series is definitely the comment section of each essay. Comment sections can get nasty and over populated by weirdos who have nothing else to do. And because they can get so ridiculous, we all just get so sucked into them. I've definitely been there. Though thats not the case for Mr. Love. The comments are gold on this series. People just have so much they're so passionate about and so much they want to share and have thoughts on. Which is always super rad. 

4. Palo Alto. I caught a screening last week and IT WAS PERFECT. Shoutout to James Franco for going with Gia Coppola on this one.  And shoutout to Gia Coppola on her first film?! what. I dunno what it is about the Coppolas but they just so totally get teen culture.

5. The Double. I also recently caught a screening of Richard Ayoade's second film The Double (his first film is the master piece that is Submarine)  IM NOT EVEN GONNA GO ON ABOUT IT BECAUSE IT WAS SO GOOD THAT I WANNA DO A SEPARATE BLOG POST ON IT.  But i just wanted to let you know that I saw it and that you should too. 

6. Penny Dreadful. I watched the first two episodes of Penny Dreadful and am entirely hooked. But i mean, I could watch Eva Green play the most psychologically screwed up characters and weirdos for hours soooo.... Perfect timing though given that tonight is Mad Men's Mid Season Finale (whatever that means) Penny Dreadful aires on Sunday nights on Showtime ya'll.

7. Embracing my inner soul-child. I've decided that im gonna grow my hair out and just get groovy with it.

8.  VANILLA SOFT SERVE ICE CREAM TRUCK THAT DRIVES DOWN MY STREET EVERYDAY. THANK YOU FOR EVERYTHING. YOU ARE PERFECT. 

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

YOU DON'T LIKE ROCK N' ROLL, THEN I DON'T LIKE YOU!

 Its seems as though that 50s south london boy flare is settling into California quite nicely.  
Hedi Slimane does it again.  Here's Saint Laurents Mens SS 14 Campaign.
Cheers to the Hunx & His Punx classic!